A duck walks into a pharmacy, walks up to the pharmacist and says " Got any grapes?". The pharmasist replys "No, I don't. This is a pharmacy we don't sell grapes here. So the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck goes into the pharmacy. Walks up to the pharmasist and says "Got any grapes?" and the Pharmacist says "I told you yestarday, this is a pharmacy we don't sell grapes. If you come in here again I'll nail you're feet to the floor." So the duck leaves.

So once agian, the duck enters the pharmacy. It then says "Got any nails?" The Pharmacist says, with a puzzled look,"No." "Got any grapes?"

A guy breaks into this house and he hears "Polly can see you! Polly can see you!". The guy ignores it and he keeps shoving stuff into his sack. He then hears again "Polly can see you! Polly can see you!". So the decides to take out flashlight to see where the sounds coming from. So, he's panning arouind the room he sees this parrot in a cage.The parrot says " Polly can see you ! Polly can see you.!". So the guy says " So what?" and the parrot replys " Oh yeah. Polly's a doberman."

Mickey and Minnie are getting a divorce and the Judge asks Minnie why she wants a divorce. Minnie says "Well, Mickey is just to silly.". Well, the judge asks Mickey why he wants a divorce. Mickey says " Well, I may silly but she's fucking Goofy."

These three guys crash onto this deserted island and are captured by these natives. They are then brought to the king of the island and the king says "I am really fond of ping pong balls and if you can bring me the most balls I will let have my daughters hand in marriage.". So, the three guys left looking for the balls. Three days later the guys come back carrying big sacks.. The first guy lays his sack in front of the king and the king says "You have many ping pong balls." The next guy lays his sack in front of the king. The king says "Ooh, you have many more than the first man. So, far you in the lead. The last guy laid his sack in front of the king and the king said " You only have two ping pong balls but they are the biggest I've seen." "Ping Pong balls? I thought you said King Kong's balls."

This guy's gone to hell and he's in front of the devil. The devil says " Wherewould you like to spend the rest of eternity?". Well, then the guy says " I don't know? Could you please show me around?". Well, since the Devil's a nice guy he showed the guy around. After they walk past big pools of burning sulpher, they walk down this hall full of rooms. The first room they walk by is full of these guys hanging by their angles over a fire pit. The devil says " How about here?" Of course the guy refuses. The next room they see is full of guys standing up to thier angles in shit. The guy says " Hey this doesn't look to bad." and the Devil let's the guy in. a few minutes after the guy goes in this other guy Screams over a microphone " Breaks over! Stand on your head!"

This guys in hell and the devil is walking him to where he will spend the rest of eternity.As he's walking along he sees the lawyer sitting with this beautiful model so the guy decided to ask the Devil what's up. And the Devil replied " Well, the model's paying her dues!"

A women who had been out of town all week was greeted by her daughter who said, "Mommy, guess what? Yesterday I was playing in your bedroom closet and daddy came into the room with the neighbour lady and they both took all their clothes off and they got into bed and then Daddy got on top of her and . . ."

Mom held her hand up and said, "Not another word! I want you to tell your father exactly you've just told me."

The father came home and the wife tells him she's leaving him. "But why?" the husband said. "Go ahead, dear, tell daddy what you just told me." "Well" said the little girl, "I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the neighbour lady next door and they both got undressed and got in bed together. And then daddy got on top of her and they did just what you did, Mommy, with Uncle Sam when Daddy was away last summer!"

And now some bar jokes:

This horse walks into a bar and sits on one of the stools. The bartender walks over to the horse and says " Why the long face?"

This screwdriver walks into bar. He walks up to the bar and ordered a drink. the bartender says "Ya know we have a drink named after you." The screwdriver says you have a drink named Hubert?"

This guy goes to this bar and he orders 3 beers. He sits at a table and takes a sip from each of them in order.

This goes on for a couple of weeks and one of the regulars asks " Why do you always have three beers?". So the guy tells him, " Well, one is for my brother Scotland, one is for me, and the other is for my brother in Canada."

A few weeks later the guy only orders 2 beers and the same guy as before says to him " I'm sorry for your loss." The brother looks at the other puzzled and asks " What do you mean?".The guys says I mean the loss of your brother.". " Oh! My brother didn't die. I just quit drinking."

This bear walks into a bar and sits down at a stool. Then the bear starts getting hassled by this old bar hag. At first, he just ignores her. Then, he gets mad and eats her. The bear then says " Bartender, I'd like a beer. The bartender then says " Sorry, I don't sell beer to people on drugs.". The bear then says, " What do you mean, 'drugs'". The bartender says" Well, isn't that a bar-bitch-u-ate."

After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind." and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits to the shrink, he confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.

The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as youwish!" The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!" The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123", and suddenly he gets an erection.

His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for?"

These three women break out of jail and they hide in this guys barn. They hide in these sacks. The next day, the police goes to the guy and ask if they could look in his barn. Of course the guy agreed. Well, the local sheriff goes in and picks up a stick. He then goes over to the sacks. He pokes the first one and the brunette inside the bag says "Meow, meow.". The sheriff says "Oh, cat's in the bag.". He goes to the next one and pokes it. The red head inside the bag says " Woof, woof". The sheriff says " Oh, a dog's in the bag." He pokes the next one and the blonde inside the bag says " Potatoes , potatoes."

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar...so it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear!"

Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer.Unfortunately, he forgot his wife's exact e-mail address and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson of New Jersey, the wife of a preacher, whose husband had just passed away. The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted. When she was finally revived by her daughter, she nervously pointed to the message, which read:

"Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!"

The church service was underway and they passed the collection plate.

When the preacher saw a $100.00 bill in the collection plate, he stopped the service and announced, "Whoever put the $100.00 bill in the plate, please stand up."

A gay man stood up and said, "I did."

The preacher told him, "Since you put that money in the plate, I would like to let you pick out three hymns."

Excitedly, the gay guy said, "Well, I'll take him and him and him!"

During a lull in the rehearsal the groom and best man, two long time friends and playboys, began to compare conquests.

The groom, looking out over the crowd, said to his best man, "You know Bill, except for my wife to be, my two sisters and my mother, I've made love to every woman in this room."

To which his friend responded, "Well then, between the two of us we've had them all!"

The top 17 fatal things to say if your wife is pregnant:
17. "I finished the Oreos."
16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds."
15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby..!!"
14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor ? The 25th is the Super Bowl."
12. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from
that Richard Simmons fella."
11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta
hurt."
10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
9. "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"
8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
7. "Get your *own* ice cream."
6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."
5. "Got milk ?"
4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"
2. "Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water..."
And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant:
1. "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger..."

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble.
He lost the shirt off his back and had nothing left but a quarter and
the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the
airport he could get himself home.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab
waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabby. He
promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his
credit card numbers, his drivers license number his address, etc.
but to no avail. The cabby said "If you don't have $15, get the hell
out of my cab!". So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the
airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to
regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won
big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the
casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well, who should he
see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy
who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make
the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride
to the airport?" he asked.
"Fifteenbucks" came the reply.
"And how much for you to give me oral sex during the way?"
"WHAT?!" Get the hell out of my cab,you scum!".
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and
asked the same questions, with the same result -- getting kicked out
of each cab.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and
asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabby replied
"Fifteen bucks".
The businessman said, "O.K." and off they went. Then, as they
drove slowly past the long line of cabs,the businessman gave a big
smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

These statements were found on actual products.

On hairdryer instructions Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.

Frozen dinner that says:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.

On Tesco's Tirimisu dessert:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the
bottom of the box)

On Marks & Spencer bread pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boots' (pharmacy chain in the UK) children's
cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery after use.

On Nytol:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.